I think “most people” take being able to communicate with those around them for granted from my observations over the decades of my life. My brain has NEVER worked like “most other people” from what I can piece together now in my late 60’s.
- PROBABLY from my optic nerve mis-behaving [aka ocular migraines]
- .. which may also be linked to my current stroke issues
- AND me thinking in pictures .. [aka visual thinking]
- PLUS me probably being on the Asperger’s Syndrome Spectrum
- PLUS with Sensory Processing Disorder Issues too
- PLUS me thinking in colors, shapes and numbers-equations with a very limited word vocabulary that also “exploded” inside my mind [probably a form of Synesthesia]
- first at home by my Great Aunt Nancy & my biological mother
- then also at grade school thru high school
- then also the work world
- then in me playing Neverwinter as an elderly confused stroke victim trying to recover physically & mentally
Laughing at me .. meanly .. has ALWAYS been the cruelest most vicious thing that people have done to teach me how valueless I was to them all. And I have ALWAYS stood back up after they knocked me down to the floor and stomped on me.
Because my emotions were never tied to words .. and I did not know that until very recently .. I had never .. until now .. comprehended those feelings into words I could express to myself let alone to others.
The words – I love you – come in a million shades of white-gray-black for me. The color of the words coming from my Grandmother [I hope she is resting in peace & tranquility] were like night and day different to those words from my daughter.
I learned very young in an abusive dysfunctional home to trust the word colors. Certain color shades mean physical violence to me while others mean peaceful or exciting fun. The “general” word colors tell me that Most People are Good
- BUT .. laugh at me .. meanly .. long enough .. and I WILL trust the colors to understand that I actually mean nothing good to ya.
- My current goal is for me to understand those colors FASTER 🙂
When I was a kid, I thought it was MY FAULT that “Love Don’t Live Here” in my life .. NOPE .. it was never me – it has always been THEM!!!
And I REFUSE to allow any of those people to change me into one of them!!!
I choose to be ME 🙂 .. a lovely shade of roses .. magenta .. lilacs .. ocean blues & greens .. sunrises .. sunsets .. dandelion grassy meadows .. and a plethora of love colors!!!
Laughing at me .. meanly .. just lost it’s ability to wound me!!! I now see it as your pain!!!