These are my conjectures about someone I thought I knew but did not. I may be right or I may be wrong – I will never know. He too *MAY* be on the autism spectrum thus his understanding and comprehension of the world around him *MIGHT* be as flawed as mine was before my therapy days. My goal is for ME to heal MYSELF – shrugs – maybe these conjectures will help someone else heal themselves too.
He wore them like a cloak
- INTEREST IN OTHERS
Easily discarded yet also easily donned to hide:
- bone-deep mean-spiritedness, probably suckled from lack of understanding the circle of life around him as a youngling that saw it and accepted it as “normal” and still does not question it as being hurtful to self or others
- lifelong anger towards women & men .. boys & girls .. the world around him tried to mold him into someone other than who he needed / wanted to be and he hid his core truths from them and also from himself as a child trying to protect himself from their onslaught of forceful change .. and now as an adult refuses to find them because he is afraid of what he will find
- the darkness of boyhood helplessness that grew into a life of it’s own as he grew to manhood and now daily strangles him in it’s braid coils
- the pretense of being part of the HERD MENTALITY fed his gnarled roots of desire to hurt others the way he hurts inside
- the rotting cesspool of personal despair that comes from running away instead of facing your own inner demons
He lives his life with other people as theatre performances .. like a hamster in a wheel .. or like a chameleon blending into the foliage of a garden .. to avoid discovering .. his own unique & magic power of healing circle of being alive & living his own truth with himself
- Beauty – Nondescript – Ugly
- Love – Indifference – Hate
- Joy – Pain – Happiness – Misery
- Good – Mediocre – Bad
This Julia Brennan music is at: https://youtu.be/3gydcChFnzQ
“The KNOWN BAD is .. generally .. always .. preferable .. to the UNKNOWN GOOD.”
I learned this fact of most people’s “normal life living attitude” in therapy 30+ years ago.
I did NOT get that memo as a child in the 1950’s nor as an adult in 2018.
For me .. my common sense says: THE UNKNOWN GOOD IS A MUCH BETTER CHOICE THAN LIVING IN A KNOWN BAD!!!!!
Note: Most people have heard it referred to as:
We have all known people like this .. I feel sorry for them .. they torture themselves .. they harm or ruin relationships with others .. they use or abuse the people around them .. and many times they are very volatile &/or also many times addicted to .. something(s) .. whether it is booze, cigarettes-vaping, drugs or drama etc .. sigh ..
I do not regret having known this person .. but I do wish I had realized this about him much sooner.
I am thinking the lesson for me to learn from this experience is that I HAVE to remember to pay VERY careful attention the FIRST time .. anyone .. disrespects me or my boundaries.
Loving people does NOT mean we have to allow anyone to mistreat or abuse us.
I have no doubt that he now has huge KARMA issues for .. deliberately .. knowingly .. taking advantage of me – an elderly woman on the autism spectrum with dementia issues .. just because he could .. sigh ..
– that fact makes me very sad –
I DO regret that I am so CLUELESS about the evils “most people” do unto themselves trying to take advantage of others.
I am not a fool – I just believe in the goodness of people .. UNLESS .. they prove differently to me .. sigh ..
The Hunter Hayes music is at: https://youtu.be/GBSN9B-gFnA